Tamara Bołdak-Janowska – Na praszczki

felietonisci-05Zacznę od nostalgicznej wędrówki na praszczki. Pamiętacie nasze określenie: na praszczki? Iści na praszczki. Paszoǔ na praszczki i zabłudziǔ. Paszli na praszczki, a apynulisa u czużom aǔsie i leć wylaźli z jaho.

Oznaczało to: na skróty.

Można było iści na praszczki czeraz bałoto, ale na bałoci byli reczki. Te rzeczki, liczne, kręte, przecinały łąki i wędrowały do Świsłoczy. Były bardzo głębokie, muliste i pełne pijawek.

Przypomniało mi się to nasze chodzenie na praszczki, bo w związku z tym mieliśmy wiele mocno wydeptanych żółtych ścieżek przez pola, wzgórza, doliny, zagajniki i lasy, a tego już nie ma i nie będzie. Ścieżki te były twarde i jedwabiście gładkie. Żółta ścieżka na praszczki z Gobiat do Mostowlan zdawała się nagim ciałem ziemi. Ja teraz przytulam się do niej i całuję z daleka. Całuję pamiętaną. Siłą wyobraźni staję na niej i idę. Po obu stronach żółtej ścieżki rosło wysokie zboże. Na brzegach zbóż rosły ultramarynowe wałoszki i buraczkowy kukal. Teraz tutaj jest ugór i żółtej ścieżki nie ma. I nigdy w tym miejscu nikt takiej już nie wydepcze – za mało ludzi, nie chodzą pieszo.

Żyliśmy w zgodzie z ziemią i byliśmy czuli na jej piękno, choć ciężko harowaliśmy. Ponoć zaharowani nie widzą piękna ziemi. Nieprawda. Stanowiliśmy element ziemi, a ona dla nas była żywą istotą. Ja takim „elementem” zostanę na zawsze. Jeśli ktoś w podobny sposób pamięta tę czy inną naszą ścieżkę, z tych nadświsłoczańskich, ten wie, że po każdej szliśmy ostatni raz, będąc małym narodem tu i teraz. Mały naród zniknął stąd i zniknęła ścieżka. Po niej szliśmy na mahiłki. I tam zaraśli i zarastajem. Żywiem jaszcze tut i tam? Żywiem, ali jak czużyje. Ceły czas jak czużyje. Nas bez przerwy choczuć papraǔlać. Ali wy nam ni hawarycie, jak majam żyć. U nas bolsz tałantaǔ, czym u druhich, i nas trebo na rukach nasić. Ni nosiać. Zusim ni baczać. Trochi baczać. Pierastali chadzić basikom – heta nowaść. Kachaju tych, katoryje nas baczać, kali my uże u botach i taksoǔkach. Usie samachody my nazywali taksoǔkami.

Wędrując kilometrami po ścieżkach, wykonywaliśmy niesłychaną pracę nad sobą, rozmyślaliśmy. Niektórzy mówili do siebie. Właściwie wszyscy mówiliśmy do siebie. Potem zaczęliśmy opowiadać nasze życie w książkach. Stała się rzecz niesłychana, a to za sprawą Sokrata Janowicza, który nieustannie prosił o opowiadanie przez nas naszego życia, żeby już nie po ścieżkach i nie do siebie: powstała równoległa do ściśle polskiej nasza literatura, w dwóch językach. Rola Sokrata jest u nie do przecenienia. Co ważne: my nie krzyczymy na polskość, tylko przedstawiamy siebie – opisujemy to wszystko, co gadaliśmy w samotności do siebie na naszych ścieżkach na praszczki. Jest dobrze, że jesteśmy tak oficjalnie, bez knucia we własnym gronie przeciw większości. Na polskość zwykle krzyczą neofici (to im się nie podoba, i tamto, i wszystko). Nie czujemy się mniejszością, ale nią jesteśmy w wyniku złej granicy – przecięto nas. Nikt nie dał Polsce tyle literatury, co my. Od wieków tak było. Czujemy się drugim narodem z Rzeczpospolitej Obojga Narodów. Siedzi w nas mocno poczucie równoprawności, kultury, wypowiedzi, losu. Źle?

Prócz związku z ziemią, niemal miłosnego, mamy jeszcze trzy cechy: profesorskość, czyli skłonność do refleksji, i to wysokiej próby, nawet u ludzi prostych, dowcip i pacyfizm, określony przez Janusza Korbela jako „specyficzny”, polegający na tym, że uwagę poświęcamy ofiarom, a nie bohaterom. Rzeczywiście nie zwracamy uwagi na bohaterów, ponieważ dobrze widzimy, jak się ich robi, na przykład z Rajsa „Burego” czy Bandery. My wiecznie widzimy niewinną krew na rękach bohaterów. Nasze wojenne cywilne ofiary pamiętamy przez całe życie. Pamiętam – siedemnastoletniego brata mojej matki na jej oczach rozstrzelali wojenni „bohaterowie”. Za co? Za nic. Za to, że jeszcze żył. Na szto heta tabie? Czaho biażysz bicca? Czaho biażysz tudy, dzie bjucca? Razumny znajszoǔsa!– wołały nasze matki. Jeśli syny biehli bicca i na ich była kroǔ, to potem umierała matczyna miłość do nich. Naszą cechą jest chłód kobiecego serca w stosunku do dzieci, które nie stały się pracowite i pokojowe, i nie chcą naszej pamięci o ofiarach. Zbyt często matka była chłodna dla mnie. Zawodziłam ją. Słyszę ją: Dzicia heta ni takoje znoǔ szczaście. Dzicia mieło poǔnuju wolu. I zawodziło. Podobny chłód żeńskiego serca cechuje nas w stosunku do mężczyzny, który zawiódł w życiowych sprawach.

Mam wrażenie, że idąc ulicą, ocieram się o morderców, którzy przetrwali jako bohaterowie tej czy tamtej wojny. Zbyt dalekie stwierdzenie? Nie. Jeszcze żyją, drepczą. Ocieram się o wnuków, gloryfikujących dziadków bandziorów. Widzę to naszym czuciem. Nie wyzbędę się go i nie chcę się wyzbyć. Jesteśmy tacy – widzimy czuciem. Dlatego wciąż mamy szeptuchy i szeptunów. Obywamy się bez ćpania. Jesteśmy surrealistyczni, a to oznacza rozmach wyobraźni. Nasza wyobraźnia nieustannie podsuwa nam obrazy z dni jutrzejszych, a w nich więcej złego niż dobrego.

Wielkie dzięki Januszowi Korbelowi za genialną recenzję naszego pacyfizmu. Janusz czuje nas słuchem absolutnym, wraz z wadami oczywiście. No tak, pacyfizm taki, ale przez ten pacyfizm narażamy się, bo jak to można gardzić bohaterami, a w kółko opowiadać o ofiarach? Za dużo ich mieliśmy. Tysiące spalonych wiosek. Kuropaty. Nie możemy inaczej – mamy dość.

Idę moją wyimaginowaną ścieżką, to jest odtworzoną z pamięci, i myślę o naszym charakterze. Na praszczki idę, wydobywając główne cechy a pomijając wady, ponieważ zalety są większe, choć dotyczą mniejszej naszej liczby. Jesteśmy niekochani ze względu na zalety. Dziś inne cechy są pożądane, hierojam sława, bombardowanie „wrogów” i nieliczenie trupów, bo i po co, to jacyś tam nieważni ludzie, cynizm, mordobicie, trebo pajści u najomniki i rezać worahoǔ. A my ni choczam. My zusim druhije. Usie pajszli u jakijaś najomniki. Hetyje haworać tolki toje, szto z wierchu prydzie i z telebaczannia, tyja nawuczylisa nienawidziłeś kacapaǔ (sibie) i żywuć u nienawiści, i u nienawiści hadujuć dziaciej i unukaǔ (da sibie). A my ni choczam. I takich nas sztoraz mieńsz. Ali usio jaszcze żywiem i niczoho ni baimsa. A jak ni baimsa, ta nas baczać i dobro czujuć. I kamu my patrebnyje takije? Lepiaj maǔczać. Tomasz Sulima ni chocza maǔczać. Sakrat ni chacieǔ maǔczac. I ja ni chaczu.

Do kogo mówię? W tej chwili do ścieżki, którą znowu całuję.

Myśleć na praszczki znaczy: posiadać zdolność do syntetycznego myślenia. Mamy to. To dobra cecha, już unikalna. Unikalność dziś nie jest w cenie, jest podejrzana. W naszym „Cz” robimy to – realizujemy unikalność myślącą. Pani Dyrektor Biełsatu nazywa to „omszałością”. Co z tą kobietą się stało? Lubiłam ją, a tu taka wyższość. Zdolność do syntezy traktowana jest mylnie, jako generalizacja.

Niektórzy czytają nasze książki z uprzedzeniem, czyli można powiedzieć, że na krywyje praszczki, albo nie czytają z powodu uprzedzenia, bo co tam Białorusini albo mieszańcy mogą napisać. Mam alergię na megalomanię narodową. I mam alergię na spotkania z autorami, którzy omal nie pękną, tak są zarozumiali. Nudni, mętni, politycznie poprawni. Zamiast wybuchu intelektu, barwności, dowcipu, mamy puszenie się w „znaności”. Gdzie się podziali pisarze? Przestałam chodzić na spotkania z autorami. Unikam miejsc, które mnie męczą. Nie tylko ja tak czuję. Julio Cortazar najtrafniej to ujął:

„Pisarze? Ależ są to nudni panowie w ciemnych garniturach”. Myśl Cortazara nabiera mocy, ponieważ nudni panowie w ciemnych garniturach utworzyli siatki, kółka, koła, jeden duży fotel, aby się rozsiąść wszędzie (mówi o tym Dubravka Ugresić). Jeśli tylko zapragnę chwili istotnej rozmowy z modnym pisarzem, ten się odwróci dupą, coś burknąwszy. To ja mam czytać jego utwory? Poczucie godności nie pozwala mi na to. W utworach też będę miała solidną dawkę nudziarstwa. Nudny pan to nudny pan. Rozmowy z nim nie ma, a pisze tak, jaki jest. I oto doszłam do głównego aforyzmu tego szkicu: jak ktoś odwraca się do mnie dupą, to nie może pisać dobrze. Żartuję wyniośle? Nie wolno mi? Wszak wyniosłość jest w cenie w świecie, gdzie ludzie ludzi zmuszają do bycia na cynicznymi. Jednak odzywa się we mnie godność, a nie cynizm. Poczucie godności jest w nas bardzo silne i zazwyczaj nie myli nas.

Pisarska znaność nie robi na mnie wrażenia, bo chodzi mi, podobnie jak Julio Cortazarowi, o utalentowanie tekstu i jego dojrzałość, chociaż dojrzewanie. Jestem na mojej samotnej ścieżce w tej robocie? Z żyjącym Sokratem było raźniej. Nie lubię pisarzy dyżurnych. U nas wygląda to tak: mainstream to dyżurni pisarze. Wypowiadają się wszędzie i o wszystkim, ale to tylko gadanina. Nic z tego nie bywa istotne.

Czytam we wstępniaku Redaktora Cz. kuriozalną rzecz: Stasiuk na Trialogu nazwał Sokrata grafomanem, to jest „piszącym na pograniczu grafomanii”, co na jedno wychodzi. Jasne. My jesteśmy tak głupi, że cenimy sobie Sokrata grafomana? Litości.

Książka, którą miał rzeczony autor przeczytać i upewnić się, że to pogranicze grafomanii, to „Utwory wybrane” (2011). Nie przeczytał, skoro wygaduje banialuki.

A ja z jaho niczoho ni mahła wyciahnuć da maich fiłazaficznych tekstaǔ, a ja piszu tolki takije teksty, bo chtoś musić heta rabić u zdziacinniełym i dziacinniejuczym świeci. Wikicytataǔ paǔniochańko wycianutych z hetaho aǔtara, ali ja niczoho u hetych sławach ni baczu. Nu bo ci heta takoje wielkaje, wyciahnutaje z „Fado”.

Komentarze

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  67. Preserving to Get A Down-Payment: People that are positively planning to purchase a household will base their down payment selection around the economical resources they are
    in possession of.

  68. You’re guaranteed exactly the same interestrate for three to five years at-best (mounted mortgage package).

  69. If you are seeking to sell real estate in Jamaica, you
    can achieve this by attending the Real-Estate Salesman’s Courtse #100H which is offered in the
    University of Technology, Jamaica.

  70. The Court of Appeal held that the trial court erred in finding that plaintiff was called on by a property management agreement that
    to perform several providers, a few of which necessitated
    a broker’s licence plus some of which did not, could not be severed as a matter of regulation.

  71. It’ll help reduce pressure and stress on the banking system to to finance the property sector as REITs will enable the industry to propose innovative equity by attracting long-term finance from domestic and overseas traders.

  72. I compensated P70.00 for (infinite) parking until 12noon because I arrived before 6:30AM
    and I was not certain how long it’ll take-me to process
    understanding I I may be required to file affidavit of loss, and so
    on for the lost of licence.

  73. When your share is drained wrinkles blown-out, for the correct levels, antifreeze and winter chemicals added period ‚s
    be covered by it’s.|for entertaining inside the wonderful and warm weather of|within the gorgeous and warm
    climate 25, Milner, perished in the family’s yard pool in Atlanta in 2011 while breath-holding to coach for spear fishing.

    with more essential functions|digitally-controlled heaters to emitters more
    than 20 The Mail Services email sorters, running equipment operators and processors is planned to
    reduce 48,500 jobs by 2020, based on the Bureau of Labor Research.

  74. Using a Womble Carlyle real-estate team serving as legal advisers in both bargains, CoStar snagged prime real estate in the country’s capital in 2010 for less than half the market-rate.

  75. You can use our mortgage cost calculator to estimate your monthly obligations in line with the amount you use.

  76. Information on licensing requirements for real estate brokers and sales agents is available from most local real-estate organizations
    and from your state real estate commission or board.

  77. She writes about property sector, she retains her subscribers notified through her writing about
    latest developments instantly.

  78. On dealing with USTs in their own states states like
    Maryland and Idaho have their own publications for realtors.

  79. It’s Andrew Farkas, who serves on its board, and the support of property heavyweights
    including Michael Fascitelli, who sits on its investment committee.

  80. Keep in mind, you’re a Real Estate Salesperson, thjs employment is as much about selling as
    it’s about Reeal Estate.

  81. This goes against everything we only learned although there are crooks everywhere I
    find the vendor to take actions against his agent with the R E Commission the information in this post reasons!!

  82. Though crowdfunding will enable more individuals use of the commercial
    property market, for businesses being able to solicit investments in undertakings
    in the public online both significantly raises businesses’ ability
    to aise the money they need, from a greatly enlarged
    pool of expected investors, but may also significantly increase the odds of litigation, espcially if the investment performs badly.

  83. First, NPV arrives in the current worth of all rental house future gains (i.e., funds flows) by discounting them at the real
    estate investor’s desired rate-of-return.

  84. By the time of our shift, we’d paid off our paper filig room that was
    essential by approximately eighnty percent, from 4,400 to into a commensurate reduction in realty required to
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  85. Estate agents are real estate agents who are members of the U.S.
    Nationwide Association of Realtors (NAR.) Realtors must conform to some code of ethical work
    routines, ethics, and consumer-protection as dues-paying members of the NAR.

  86. Additionally, by being an authorized realtor, I really could spend less by purchasing another and averting the fees which I will
    have to buy selling a house.

  87. There may however be chance to any encompassing houses (including swimming decks), particularly when the share is built on intensive clay
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  88. Humphrey explained this number is indicative of self-directed IRA account increase in general, as more traders seek to invest their
    retirement-savings into a tangible asset market they know and understand and become disenchanted with all the securities market – such as realty.

  89. If you meet up with the qualification guidelines, maybe you are in a position to be eligible for a home
    loan using a zero-down payment through the Experts Affairs (Virginia loan) or the
    Team of Agriculture (USDA loan) applications.

  90. I ‚d try this by meeting him in a pub or a public space (estate
    agents guidance) and handing over the GBP5,000 funds and when the deal was completed.

  91. Bank foreclosures can indicate purchasing property for savings that may
    range up to 50 % off market price, since lenders just need to gather some of financing to settle most debt, buying real
    estate.

  92. Their lawyer said that they had a need to to interrupt the
    unique deal that they had with their vendor franchises, and he was their test suit.

  93. The issue is that there aren’t really any formal mechanisms in spot to join someone like you
    with a fix & reverse investor or wholesaler who is educated in real
    estate and in need of backing.

  94. The cost of capital is high and its own impact on infrastructure, real estate sector, and producing,
    which is an essential engine of progress in India, is felt.

  95. In simpler terms, should you purchase property in exactly the same year that property is sold by you,
    losses and the capital-gains will offset each other out and you may be able
    to avoid taxes on the capital-gains.

  96. Although industry insiders are promoting it for mining real estate data from the web Mozenda, a screen-scraping tool, don’t advertise to realtors.

  97. To start with, one thing thing as a real-estate investor is
    figure out what your own personal strategy will be, you have to do.
    You need to learn and comprehend what your
    long term investment technique is by figuring out what is your finish line and what is your starting level.

  98. In reality, studies have demonstrated that when realtors sell their very
    own houses, they get percent more than when they’re selling other
    people’s homes.

  99. Still, net current value is certainly worth when correctly used as part of a property investigation can help you appraise your next real estate investment opportunity and knowing.

  100. You can contact the real-estate representative who’s selling the home,
    if you would like to follow on a listing.

  101. Humphrey explained this number is indicative of self directed IRA account increase in general,
    as more investors seek to get their retirement savings into a tangible asset marketplace which they
    know and understand and become disenchanted with all the securities
    market – such as realty.

  102. Specifically loans protected from the FHA, loan applications, desire down-payment dollars
    to return right from individuals to demonstrate a power and financial obligation to conserve.

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  104. For example, I could purchase options on real estate or a sandwich lease which would essentially make management out of it could be structured by me.
    There are endless strategies to structure a deal and take only the component(s) you are considering.

  105. It is unquestionably true that both business and real estate sectors have already been less than shining examples of regular growth in recent years.

  106. An amount, typically a portion of the property sales
    price, this is for finding a property, the professional real estate agent
    fee or a purchaser to get a property, as well as for negotiating the sale.

  107. Rising out of the ashes of the existing economic collapse and housing bubble is an all new real estate investing strategy that is
    altering the way investors use lease option investing to do business.

  108. The very first thing they are doing is throwin a compound to correct it,
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  109. In the Houston real-estate market, Tamborrel needed a web site relating to position and its needs as an actually-expanding agency.

  110. The web site which has altered lots of things
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  112. Convection utilizes warm air to remove the substances from the
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