Плёткі старой цёткі

pljotki3-02Загуляла я, мае дзеткі, прызнаюся, загуляла і зусім з толку збілася. Пачала польскімі святамі, падкрапіла новым годам, працягнула рускім Раством і скончыла старым новым годам. Не паспела пасьля гэтага марафону толкам прабрацца, як на другі дзень звоняць у дзверы. Я думала – калядоўшчыкі, аж гэта паштарка прыпёрла ліст з раённага суда ў Бельску-Падляшскім, які загадвае мне з’явіцца ва ўласнай асобе і даць паказанні ў справе цялеснай шкоды нанесенай карове К… Зусім, думаю, нашыя пракуроры збрэндзілі, калі ўжо карову Красуню і тую шыфрам выкрапкоўваюць. Гэта добра, што хоць клічуць мяне як сведку ў справе знявагі каровы, а то я была нядаўна сказала гарбатаму Юзіку, што ён казёл, дык маглі і за мову нянавісці прыцягнуць да адказнасці. Час цяпер такі, дзеткі, што і казла казлом не назавеш…

Прыходжу я, значыцца, на месца, вітаюся з міліцыянерамі, цьфу, з гэтымі, як іх…, паліцыянерамі, ну і саджуся на лавачку, чакаю калі мяне выклікаць будуць. За шыбай на ўвесь голас раве тэлевізар. Ну і які канал, вы б думалі, глядзіць паліцыя ў Бельску? Першы нацыянальны… рускі канал! Акурат такога белагрывага паказвалі, а калі ён зацягваў сваю „Шарманку”, то ўсе тры дыжурныя паліцыянеры, забыўшыся пра мяне, як адзін пачалі падпяваць белагрываму і ўсё гэта без нават следу нейкага акцэнту. „Вось дык сапраўднае статутнае двухмоўе” – падумала я сабе! Пасля паказвалі якраз мой улюбёны серыял. Пазней „Давай пажэнімся”, а тады зноў таго белагрывага. Падчас чарговай рэкламы дыжурны паліцыянт урэшце мяне заўважыў, крыху быццам нават нечага перапалохаўся і спытаўся, чаго я так доўга там чакаю. Ну тады я і пачала расказваць усю сваю гісторыю пра карову.

Карацей, адзін мой сусед заўважыў, што ў ягонай каровы ўвесь бок ў зялёнай фарбе. Азірнуўся тут і там і бачыць, што ў другога суседа свежапамаляваны плот. А той сусед адзін з другім век за нешта б’юцца. Тады другі будзе казаць: „Не мог я тваю карову памаляваць, бо яна сама мусіла абцерціся аб плот”. А першы на тое: „Ты ж з майго боку плот не маляваў, таму карова мая магла абцерціся хіба толькі калі б у яе выраслі крылы”. Другі агрызаецца: „Яна ў цябе такая худая, што і пераскочыць магла б, з разбегу”. Завяліся мужыкі не на жарты, ажно за чубы схапіліся. Карова глядзіць як на дурных, языком толькі менціць, траву перажоўвае.

Ну і хто вінаваты? – перабівае мяне паліцыянер.
Гэта якраз і будзем высвятляць, але нешта ваш орган не працуе як трэба. Я ў вас ужо адну чвэртку дзённага эфіру наматала, а магла з такім жа поспехам, усё гэта паглядзець у сваім мяккім крэсьле, замест аббіваць бакі ў вашым раённым судзе. Паліцыянеры перакінуліся поглядамі, а адзін з іх кажа: Цётачка, гэта ж павятовая камендатура, а не раённы суд…

Карацей, на суд я была добра прыпазнілася, але ўсё ж такі на свой выступ і заключную частку паспела. Добра, што ад камендатуры да суда толькі 350 метраў. Мне гэта пасля ўнук па „гуглематах” пацвердзіў.

Прыціснуты пракурорам да сценкі, абвінавачаны сусед прызнаўся, што калі скончыў маляваць плот, яму не было ў чым пачысціць пэндзаль, і пад рукой аказалася толькі карова К… „Хто зялёнае жарэ, таму зялёнае не страшна, тады я ўзяў брудны пэндзаль, мазь, мазь па ёй разы можа два, тры… Я ж не думаў, што гэта нейкая святая карова…”

Гэля з Грэдэляў

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